Since I heard the news of the tragic loss of Terry and Juanita Stauffer's precious daughter, Emily, I have not been able to stop thinking about how they must be feeling and also reliving the death of my daughter, Kadence, 9 years ago. I am writing this post for my own outlet; I don't mind you sharing my thoughts, but this is personal reflection and not meant to detract from the pain of the Stauffers at this time, or to say that my feelings are more important than anyone else's who has gone through the loss of a loved one.
One thing I have learned from my experience is that the pain itself never really goes away; it dimishes in strength for the most part, to a dull ache, but you never get over it. We keep the ashes of Kadence on our television set and I am reminded of her daily. Some days I look at her urn and smile, remembering her smile and her laugh, the times we would nap together, the time I had her all to myself for a day and we went to the Street Performers and enjoyed the stares that a newborn baby gets from strangers. Other days, days like today, I sit and cry for a while and wonder what she would be like if she were still alive, about all the good times we never got to have, about her not getting a chance to grow up and have kids of her own. I miss her and that will never go away. But I am thankful for the time I had with her and would not have traded that for all the pain that I have felt.
The pain subsides and God's faithfulness increases as I continue to lean on Him and his promise that I will meet Kadence again one day in a place where no one ever dies, or hurts or loses a loved one, a place where there is no pain or tears.
When Kadence died it opened my eyes to the reality that you just never know how long you will have someone with you. It made me realize that I should live every day like it could be my last, or someone else's last. This is a realization that all too often fades as the world continues to move all around me, and in times like these, when I am reminded of how fragile our lives really are, it makes me thankful that I have a second chance to remember.
One never really gets back to their life as it was before. My wife and I always said that we had to make a new life, because the life we had with Kadence is gone; we can't get it back; all we can do is go forward and create a new life with what God has given us. That can be a tough thing to do, but God is faithful. He is with us always. I'm not sure how people go through life in general, and times like these in particular, without a faith in God. Terry said on his blog, and was quoted in the Edmonton Journal, that "We are realizing from the inside the value of good, Gospel theology right now (http://newlumps.blogspot.com/). I don't know for certain his thoughts on this idea, but these are mine: Without a personal knowlege of and relationship with God I don't know how people survive pain and loss. I'm not certain who all reads my blog but if you have been brought to this page and read this far and do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ I urge you to contact me or a local pastor to find out how you can have a relationship with Him, because when it comes right down to it, that's all that really matters in life.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Stauffer family at this time and to anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. May God's strength lift you up and sustain you as you continue to follow in his steps. God bless you all.
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3 comments:
Jon
Your blog left me teary eyed. May God continue to bless you all.
Kadence will always continue to live in our hearts.
Love
Mom K
... I came across your blog by accident and do appreciate your words. I do not know how people survive such loss, in reading some of the comments people left on "new lumps blog" Some come from the heart, others it seems people just say, dumb things, like this child they lost can be replaced! I have suffered loss throughout my life and I am working through still how I view God, I am a believer, a follower of Jesus. I just don't know what to think, I don't blame God, but my view of him and all that continually happens here on earth is hard. thanks for your honesty in sharing. God bless you and your wife.
Dear anonymous,
Seeing as you came across my blog by accident, I'm not certain if you will be back, but I wanted to reply to your comment anyhow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here as well. Yes, dumb things do get said by people who have no idea what to say, or are trying to help. That was one of the things that we found in our situation as well. I try to simply acknowledge that people are TRYING to help and leave it at that.
I have been a Christian since I was five years old, grew up in a Christian home, went to 4 years of elementary school at a Christian college as my dad was going to school to become a pastor, then grew up as a pastor's kid. When Kadence died at 4 months old I was taking a one year certificate program at a Bible School.
I can honestly say that I never lost my faith in God; he sustained us all the way through the trial and still does daily. I never blamed God for her death either. And yet I still had a hard time going to church or having a close personal relationship with Him. I don't really know how to explain it, but I didn't return to Bible School after Christmas, went to church when I had to but came up with any excuse not to, and could never find the time to read the Bible or pray.
In the last year, about 8 years later, I finally decided that living in this sort of limbo was not good for me; I needed to change; I could no longer live a lukewarm life.
I don't know if this is at all how you feel and I know I couldn't explain my feelings or attitudes but there came a point when I had to simply say that this is my problem, not God's. I am refusing to come back to Him while he is more than willing to take me back. There is nothing you can do that will make God turn away, nothing you need to do but come to Him. Despite what Satan would have you believe, you don't need to live on your own strength. Just turn back to God.
I will pray for you. I am sorry about your loss.
Yours in Christ,
Jonathan Groff
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